Posts Tagged ‘family’

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Family Heirlooms

Thursday, May 14th, 2009

Ask yourself what values, superstitions, myths, and beliefs you hold, which
were given to you by those who have loved, nurtured, and reared you. You know
what I mean; I like to call them “family heirlooms.” All the little stated or unstated
rules you were instilled with growing up. Some of us are still receiving values
reinforcement from our love ones or we just replay messages in our head from when
we were developing.

“We don’t act like that.” “We don’t do that.” “We don’t say that.” We don’t
believe that.” “Are you going to wear that?” “Is that your friend?” “Are you going to
eat that?” The messages just play on and on.

Do you know why you were given those “heirlooms” or have you just adopted
them blindly? Were they born out of the experiences of others, but have not much to
do with your own experiences? Could they have been passed on to you from an era
when they may have been necessary, such as “the depression” or “the Jim Crow laws
period,” but now they are clearly obsolete? Do they all fit your life today? Do you
ever find yourself wondering how others who do not share your same values and
beliefs live? Do you ever wonder what your life would be like if you did not follow
the family traditions? Are any of these “heirlooms” stopping you from being who you
really want to be? Are any of these “family heirlooms” hindering you from
succeeding in a loving relationship?

To get the life and love you want it is essential to evaluate, and then correct
yourself. Part of the evaluation should include the plethora of information you have
been given by those who love you. These individuals are significant because you
probably trust them more than any others on this earth. They are also very
important because they have helped shape who you are. To fully grow into your
individual self, you must carefully analyze your development.

Decide if what you were given as a child fits your lifestyle today. While looking
through your old family heirlooms you may find a new appreciation for values you
have taken for granted. You may also find that some of your heirlooms clash with
your new flair. If you have old heirlooms that do not match your new style, get rid of
them. Discard them happily, and don’t look back.

You may have to explain to the folks who have given you all this stuff that you
no longer have use for it. They will probably try to convince that you do. They may
even try to coerce you, beg you, or threaten to disown you, in order to make you
carry the family baggage. However, you should remember that you only have one
life to live, and you will be the one responsible if you do not get what you want out
of it. More than likely, your family will adapt to your new way of living because they
love you.

One last thing, if while taking this journey you discover that the “heirlooms”
you’ve adopted from your loved ones are very incongruent with the life you
desperately want to lead, do not waste your time blaming them for doing their best.
Just work toward doing your best. Continue to love and accept every part of them
because at your core you are they. To reject them is to reject you.

Brooke Brimm has a Master’s degree in Professional Counseling and 8 years of
experience in the field of Human Science. She has been married since 1993 and has
two beautiful daughters. Ms. Brimm authors an ezine, Loves Gumbo, in which she
discusses love, relationships, and friendships in today’s society. To join email:
lovesgumbo@comcast.net

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Adding Pictures Breaths Life into Your Family Tree

Friday, May 1st, 2009

Adding photographs of your relatives and their environment can add realism and a touch of class to your family tree. But how do you make sure that you are putting the correct face with the name? There are many clues in the picture that can help put the appropriate age to a photograph. Be sure to use the same methodical approach to dating the picture that you use in the researching of your family tree and be sure to document everything.

First the physical photograph is a clue. Was it made with the tin-type or older method, or a paper print? How heavy is the paper it is printed on? In the case of a portrait, are there any identification marks or labels from the photographer’s studio?

Next, if you enlarge the print either digitally or with a magnifying glass, what is in the background? A newspaper headline or better yet a date may be seen. An advertisement in a store window or the population count on a city limit sign can give the approximate age of the photo. Are there automobiles, or horses, on the street? Of course, if the family homestead is the backdrop, a definite assumption can be made.

The style of clothing is one of the best ways to date a picture. The style of women’s hats, the hairstyle, the sleeve style of a dress, the neckline, or the style of the collar, are all clues.

With men, hairstyle can be a hint. The width of the necktie, the cut of a suit, again, as with women, the collar of a shirt, maybe a military uniform.

Unfortunately, all babies in pictures look alike, unless they are of my adorable grandchildren, so you may have to rely on the other people in the picture or the background.

Comparing what you believe about the age of the photograph and the approximate age of the subject, with what you know about the person in your family tree, is not 100% accurate. But, you can be pretty sure you have matched the name to the face.

Other photographs, the homestead, the ship they arrived in America on, school yearbook pictures, wedding portraits all add realism and a touch of class to your family’s story.

Craig Hinz is a genealogist with over 15 years of experience. you may contact him at craig@searhforrelatives.com or visit his website at http://www.searchforrelatives.com

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Surviving Your Family – Accommodation

Saturday, April 18th, 2009

What are some other mental motivations that are influenced by guilt, resentment, and pain? How do these motivations contribute to the behaviors that plague us? Once you see how these work, it will be a lot easier to understand the different motivations for any major problem that you find yourself wrestling with . . . over and over again.

There are mechanisms you’ve developed to “survive your family.” The core workings of them are behind the behaviors you have and don’t like. The big three mechanisms are accommodation, rebellion, and mimicking. Once you understand why you’ve invited them into your life and made them so comfortable over the years, you’ll start seeing that you can also ask them to leave. Once gone, the behaviors that seemed impossible to change will change.

Accommodation

What’s another way of saying accommodation? Try this: placing your parent or sibling before you at your own expense. To maintain the important ties to our parents or siblings, to feel loved by them, we may accommodate to or comply with their reasonable expectations. That’s okay, right? Sure, but what about accommodating or complying with their serious flaws and damaging expectations? Not as “okay,” right? Too much accommodation causes us to ignore our own interests, goals, and destiny. If that were the case, why would we do this? Because their guilt-provoking words and deeds show us that they’re hurt when we don’t comply or accommodate.
Huh? Look at it like this: Say you become very obedient to a very controlling parent; you could easily become too submissive and you could quickly learn to squelch your own independent thinking. What happens if you don’t comply? Usually, this kind of parent becomes agitatedhe screams, she loses control, maybe they become violent. What does he scream? “You damn kid. You never listen. Do it now or I’m going to kill you!” Their insults, screaming, and other such behaviors are all clear evidence that your parents are fragile. You’ve wounded them. You’ve sent them right over the edge. So what’s a nice, well-meaning kid supposed to do? How about limiting his or her normal sense of independence?

Accommodation or compliance is very likely to cause you to suffer profoundly if your submissive behavior continues for the rest of your life. You’ll hate yourself for not asserting yourself and then you’ll find that people close to you can’t stand you for the very same reason. Maybe you’ll try to suppress it and it just comes out anyway. Every time you come in late for a meeting, stubbornly disagree with everyone around you, or even do an assignment with begrudging defiance, you’re revealing your resentment of your authoritarian parent.

Excerpted from Self-Help for Smarties: Secret Success Codes for Weight Loss, Love, Career and Parenting by Irwin Gootnick, M.D. (Penmarin Books, May 2006).

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As God’s Revelations Became Fuller and More Perfect, Abraham’s Prayerfulness Increased Part 1

Monday, March 23rd, 2009

ABRAHAM, the friend of God, was a striking illustration of one of the Old Testament saints who believed strongly in prayer. Abraham was not a shadowy figure by any means. In the simplicity and dimness of the patriarchal era, as illustrated by him, we learn the worth of prayer, as well as discover it’s distant past. The fact is, prayer reaches back to the first ages of people on earth. We see how the energy of prayer is absolutely required in the simplest as well as in the most complex times of God’s grace.

When we study Abraham’s character, we find that after his call to go out into an unknown country, on his journey with his family and his household servants, wherever he stayed temporarily by the way for the night or longer, he always built an altar, and “called upon the name of the Lord.” And this man of faith and prayer was one of the first to build a family altar, around which to gather his household and offer the sacrifices of worship, of praise and of prayer. These altars constructed by Abraham were, first of all, essentially altars about which he gathered his household, as emanated from his secret prayer.

As God’s revelations became fuller and more perfect, Abraham’s prayerfulness increased, and it was at one of these spiritual eras that “Abraham fell on his face and God talked with him.” On still another occasion we find this man, “the father of the faithful,” on his face before God, astonished almost to disbelief at the purposes and revelations of Almighty God to him in promising him a son in his old age, and the wonderful actions that God made concerning his promised son.

Even Ishmael’s destiny is shaped by Abraham’s prayer when he prayed, “O that Ishmael might live before thee!”

It was Abraham’s rule to stand before the Lord in prayer. His life was surcharged with prayer and Abraham’s life was sanctified by prayer. For wherever he stops in his pilgrimage, prayer was his inseparable accompaniment. Side by side with the altar of sacrifice was the altar of prayer. He got up early in the morning to the place where he stood before the Lord in prayer.

The possibilities of prayer are gauged by faith in God’s ability to do. Faith is the one prime condition by which God works. Faith is the one prime condition by which man prays. Faith draws on God to its full extent. Faith gives character to prayer. A feeble faith has always brought forth feeble praying. Vigorous faith creates vigorous praying. Christ asks this pointed question, “When the Son of Man cometh, shall He find faith on the earth?” For more info on prayer and faith please go to my blog at byfaith-enterprises.blogspot.com and leave a comment. For prayer or any questions you may have, leave the request in the comment section. Also sign-up and get your FREE eBook and Prayer Training Report. I have written a book called “The Science of Prayer” and it is ready at byfaith-enterprises.blogspot.com. Keep praying to the Great I AM.

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My Stepfamily – Part 3 – My Childhood

Tuesday, March 10th, 2009

My mother remarried to a man with children. I like my stepfamily, even though it feels odd living under the same roof with them. I have a stepfather, a stepbrother, and two stepsisters. My father has attempted to remarry, but is so far unsuccessful.

My mom and stepfather got married March 18, 2000. My stepfather is a doctor and oddly delivered me. I moved in with him in early 1999. It feels as if I have been given a bonus dad. It is a strange feeling having a stepfather. He is nice to me, and I like him. Unfortunately, he is not always home, and sometimes is at the Hospital all night. My mom is happy and loves him very much. If he makes my mom happy then I am happy.

My stepsister Carrie is the oldest of us four. She lives in Maryland with her husband. She went to Brown University in Providence, Rhode Island. When she moved out, I took her room upstairs as my own. Unfortunately, when I moved in she moved out to college. I do not know a whole lot about her since I never see her.

My stepbrother Jeff is the second oldest of us four. He goes to college at the University of Florida; he lived with me for most of the time. He is my only stepbrother, and I do not know a lot of him. He likes to surf, which makes him opposite of me so we could not ever relate. He was always out late, partying, or sleeping because he was tired from partying.

My other stepsister Molly is the third oldest of us four, which that makes me the youngest. She is currently on her Senior Year of High School at Porter Gaud. She is planning on going to Clemson, which is my rival school since I like Carolina. She helps me with any work I have if I need it, and puts up with me. She and I are the only kids left in the house.

When I moved in there were six people in the house. The house was at its limit. Now there are only four in the house, and next year there will be three left. It feels odd being an only child half of the time when I am with my dad, but when I go to my moms house I am not an only child. I sometimes miss being an only child every day, but most of the time, I enjoy having siblings.

In Part four I shall discuss what it has been like for me going through my fathers failed relationships. I shall discuss some of the major relationships, and some minor. I shall review how the relationships affected me and how they affected my father.

Seth Cohen
If you have questions or comments for me, e-mail me at Hurricaneman3691@yahoo.com

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How to Rid Yourself of this “Family Dysfunctional” Curse – FamilyVision Column

Friday, January 30th, 2009

“Who’s your daddy?” screams the angry woman to the little girl standing on the porch. The little girl’s mother comes out of the house waving a frying pan and letting loose curse words. A shouting match takes place between the women. You can hear the yelling and see the fighting. A policeman arrives to deal with this domestic disturbance. He separates the two ladies and learns these two are dating the same man. No one is happy.

Don’t allow yourself to be held captive by a negative vibe in your family. There is no perfect family (if you are honest, there’s probably some dysfunctional behavior in your family tree). Confusion can destroy a close-knit family. In this situation, the word “family” primarily refers to your extended relatives (brother, sister, aunt, cousin, etc.). Communication usually breaks down–feelings get hurt. Disharmony can happen to any family. How does it get started? It can be created either by individual choices or by the decisions of others. You can see it created through many ways: selfish sibling, drugs taking control, dependent relatives, money-stricken friends, or toxic relationships. Can you think of others?

Many issues can cause family confusion. Many people tend to react to their gut feeling without thinking through the consequences. Don’t believe these personal decisions only impact you. No, short-term choices can leave a legacy of total disasters. Do you need examples? Take someone else’s loved one? Threaten to kill someone? We live in a society where no one wants to wait and develop a real relationship. People prefer to generate quick “soap opera” relationships to shield their insecurities. There are impacts. For example, Derrick Thomas, former Kansas City Chief linebacker, was a football hero with fame, money, and power. He died on February 8, 2000, from injuries suffered in auto accident. He probably hoped to leave fans a legacy of outstanding memories, but the reality is Derrick’s leaving the public another American tragedy. He left seven children from five different women and no will. While Derrick earned more than $30 million in his football career, it is expected the children will split several hundred thousand dollars once the estate is settled. What kind of situation does this leave the family? Will there be chaos in the family? Each of us must realize that our choices not only can hurt us, but our loved ones also.

Do you know someone in your family who creates disharmony? A small dose of confusion can spread like a wild fire in a family. You can always find at least one person looking to generate “mess” in a family. What will start it this time? Family property? Money? This person will not let the problem die down; he is not content until there is a big explosion. The results are generally not positive. In our own family, we have seen family members fight over property. There is generally lots of anger and hurt feelings. Often kids are caught in the middle, left to carry on this confusion (even when they don’t understand the cause). While many involved in these types of situations are left empty, some people thrive on this negative energy and seem to get enjoyment from it (the more trouble, the better). They celebrate disharmony. We call these folks “troublemakers” or “instigators.” Here are some suggestions for improving these situations:

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Controlling Family Chaos – Time Management for the Family

Saturday, October 18th, 2008

Balancing a family’s varying schedules can be near impossible. Soccer, hockey, dance, skating, Brownies, Scouts, skiing, swimming, school activities, homework, not to mention play and sleep time, fill our children’s lives. Now add in the parental activities, including work, fitness, volunteering, and home maintenance

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Family Day is September 25 – Have Dinner With Your Kids!

Monday, October 13th, 2008

Remember the good ole’ days when families sat down at the table and ate dinner together? With this new millennium lives have gotten so busy and frantic, that sitting down together as a family at least several times per week is a luxury. The National Center on Addictions and Substance Abuse (CASA) has declared the fourth Monday of September as Family Day, a day to eat dinner with your kids!

Research finds that the more kids eat dinner with their families the less likely they are to smoke, drink or use drugs. Children tend to be healthier, have positive social skills and perform better in school. Having dinner together as a family provides time to communicate with each, find out what kids did that day in school, and discuss family issues important to everyone.

This year, mark your calendar and plan Family Day on September 25 with your children. Turn off the television, put on the answering machine, and plan a nutritious meal that everyone can participate in making. During dinner, ask children to describe their day at school, what they did after school, and if they have any special activities are coming up. After dinner, play a board game to help kids practice reading and math skills or go outside for a little physical fitness.

Here are some tips to make Family Day a habit that is practiced all year long:

  • Include kids in planning a menu for family dinners (lunch or breakfast too)
  • Include kids in preparing, serving and cleaning up the meal
  • Turn off the television (or anything with a screen) during the meal
  • Turn on the answering machine for the phone during the meal
  • Let everyone have a turn talking about his or her day and activities
  • Plan a game night instead of watching television
  • After dinner, take a walk or ride bikes as a family outing

Having family dinner with your children on a regular basis is a special tradition that kids will always remember!

As a mother, grandmother, and child development professional, Nancy Johnson, shares over 20 years experience working with children and planning activities on her website, Creative-Child-Activity-Notebook.com. Check it out for more school age child activity ideas including party, outdoor, holiday, nature, and child learning activity ideas.

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September 16 is Stepfamily Day!

Monday, September 22nd, 2008

In the United States, and perhaps in other countries as well, September 16
has been designated as “Stepfamily Day”. A day dedicated to the stepfamily. A day to honor all the StepHeroes out there who choose every day to be parents to ALL the children in their lives.

What will you do to honor your family on this special day? Some communities have
picnic celebrations planned. Some blended families choose to spend the day
together, as a family, without any electronic devices on for the whole day.
Other stepfamilies go to a favorite place with friends and play together. And
the vast majority let the day go by as any other day and miss the chance to
honor themselves for all the effort and hard work it takes to make a blended
family work. Why? Because they do not even know this day exists for them. They
are not aware of all the resources out there for them. They believe that they
are the only ones who are experiencing what it is like to be in a blended family
and they feel all alone.

This could be a great opportunity to reach out to other step and blended
families in your community. What would it be like to arrange a spontaneous
pot-luck, where you invite two other families you know who are also blended, and
ask each of them to invite two blended families that they know. Have some
activities planned for the different age groups of children, and plan to meet at
a location that can accommodate you all (one of your homes; a nearby park or
playground; a community center; ). This doesn’t have to be fancy and you do
have to spend a ton of money. In fact, you can have each family bring one of
their favorite games to play, and see what you discover – how many are the same?
How many are different? Which ones have never been played? Which ones are the
ones everybody knows and has? Spend the day connecting and being with others
who are blending too.

Step and Blended Families that choose to make this kind of effort are always
amazed at the rewards that happen unexpectedly. Oftentimes, they enjoy the
experience so much that they decide to make it a monthly event, with a different
theme each month.

Are you finding yourself excited and elated by this idea? Or are your first
thoughts those of resistance or dread? Notice how your mind is responding to
this idea. Is it coming up with all kinds of reasons why you could not or would
not or should not do this? While all those reasons may appear to be valid,
chances are they are not necessarily true. Our minds have a way of keeping us
from trying or doing anything that is different or out of the ordinary. This is
a natural, healthy defense mechanism designed to keep us safe. The problem is
that what we perceive as safe is often just what is familiar. The unfamiliar is
then deemed to be unsafe, when the reality is that it can be very safe, fun,
fulfilling, and full of new possibilities.

Emily Bouchard co-authored the ebook Conquering Conflict with her husband Darryl. In the last two years alone, the Bouchards have helped over 3500 people change their lives through their coaching, trainings, and resource-based website, http://www.blended-families.com They travel throughout the U.S. and Canada leading workshops for couples, families, communities, professionals, and entrepreneurs who want to understand how to better communicate in their personal and business lives.

Emily Bouchard has over twenty years of experience in working with children, teens, couples and families. She earned a B.A. with honors in an individualized major in Child Development from the University of Pennsylvania, and a Masters Degree in Social Work from the University of Texas at Arlington.
For more information, visit their website or email Emily at emily@blended-families.com

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Family Day

Monday, September 1st, 2008

You’ve seen it. You’ve heard about it. God willing, you haven’t experienced it first hand. But we have all been subjected to the violence in our streets and wonder what can be done. Every major philosophy and every major religion that I know of and certainly the bible that I know says that light dispels darkness. This will be the basis of my ideas that I will set forth in the coming months. I believe that the good people of our fair city have been driven indoors by the fear of the bad people. You hear that it is time to take back out streets! But no one seems to know how! The bible also says that “perfect love casts out fear”. If we are to get over our fear, then we must love. Who may you ask? Well I’m not going to ask you to love the murderers and drug dealers. That is God’s job.

I’m asking for all of us to love the most important things in our lives! Our children. How do we keep our children safe? Be where they are. Or know that there are responsible adults where they are. At all times! Is that possible? I say yes. In the coming weeks and months I will give you concrete examples of how we used to do it when I was young and how we today can do the same. It will involve all of us. But there is safety in numbers. We will not get rid of the murderers and drug dealers. My hope is to drive them underground and under the rocks they came out from. With your help we can.

Alan “Bud” Speaker

Alan “Bud” Speaker has lived in an urban setting for almost all of his life. Raised a little girl there and hopes to help others to do the same. He hopes to prove the adage that “The pen is mightier than the sword”.

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